This might be an overkill, be offended as much as you like (if you can’t take a joke, that is…)
All hail the great Google!
Google is the closest thing that we ever have to a “God”! And surprisingly it is also real!
It is omnipresent!
It is virtually immortal!
The biggest abode of knowledge ever created!
Answers all the questions that I can possibly think of!
It has made our life better in thousand different ways!
It does no evil, educated millions and is capable of even more!
We are religiously moved by all that is Google in its million different avatars! It’s only apt to honour such elegance and beauty with a reverent group of followers and rituals. So, we will soon start a campaign to collect funds to construct the first ever temple for Google,
Wannabe Priests, Cardinals and Imams at the temple of our lord almighty, apply with your full resume.
1. Must have all of the below:
Android phone, Chrome book and Nexus tab. Google Glasses and Google cars when they come out.
2. Should have used, should be using and willing to use every product that Google has come out with (We will check if you were using Buzz and Wave! If you don’t know what they are, the next time you search for something in a public setting, the lord will send you to a porn site!)
3. Should violently react when somebody talks crap about our lord almighty. Should be willing to boycott and be offended if anybody or anything disgraces
the name of our god or
our prophets or
anything that we stand for or
anything that we consider holy or
anything that we eat or don’t eat or
our dress sense or
our sexual preference or
our rituals and practices or
our teeth or
our accent or
our typing speed or
our browser history or
…. Basically, we have to riot if they even think that we are stupid!
Suicide bombers are not currently* recruited.
*- conditions apply.
4. Should know how to effectively communicate with the lord (If you use your mouse to click ‘search’ after typing in the search bar, you will be burned at the stake instantaneously!)
5. Should have had a religious experience during the live demo of Google glasses. If you have not seen it, we will show it to you while you are strapped to a chair, your vitals will be monitored to check if you do.
6. Should be willing to mutilate a small part of your body in reverence to our lord. Tattoos are also welcome
Our Holy book – The Googolplex
All submissions and suggestions should be submitted to the Holey book congregation as soon as possible. The scriptures of the wholly book will be selected from the plethora of celebrity tweets, intentionally ambiguous Facebook status updates, YouTube hate comments, sex tapes & porn (mainly the last one). Anything remotely sensible will be strictly banned.
Spreading the word of god
We are also looking for volunteers who absolutely have no idea what our lord and religion stands for to go door to door to spread the word of the divine asexual parent.
Show that you are a true ‘Googu’
Ways to show that you are a true Googu (yes, that is what we are going to call ourselves. Name still under consideration), you can do the following.
- Print out your Google search results, burn them and smear the ash on your forehead in the shape of the two ‘O’s that Google has.
- Tattooing the word Google on your lower left butt cheek. Doing the same on your right butt cheek is blasphemy and the lord will smite you!
- Chanting Google’s name as many times as possible from the time you feel like you have to go take a dump to the time you explode. The longer you can resist the urge, the greater will be the rewards.
- Under no circumstance are you supposed to say the word “B-I-N-G”; even thinking of it is a mortal sin.
- You can repent you sins by making a generous donation to the church of Google.
In the name of our holy asexual parent, shis million avatars and the great intelligence, I bless thee… you shall find good porn wherever you look!
This was inspired by an article Is Google God? This is purely a work of fiction and Intended to be funny.
And to quote the great and wise Bender ‘Bending’ Rodriquez “I’m gonna go build my own theme park, with blackjack and hookers. In fact, forget the park!”